This is the post I have been wanting to write for seven weeks now.
It’s the one in which I tell you that there is another heartbeat inside of me, and I get to meet the owner of that heartbeat in October.
People—women—have all kinds of tips and advice when you’re pregnant. Eat crackers before you move in the morning. Don’t change the litter. Expect your boobs to feel like they are going to detach and plunge into the earth.What nobody mentions is how to handle the fact that while it took a couple of weeks—both of which, for me, were marked by a fair amount of disbelief—I am now in full-on mommy mode, or as least as much as one can be when your baby is the size of a kumquat. I pray for my baby’s safety and health every day, and to be completely vulnerable, my biggest fear has nothing to do with the pain of childbirth or raising a child. My biggest fear, instead, is of losing this baby, of never knowing what color its eyes are or what its first word is or what it will look like sleeping.
My fear is somewhat unexpected to me, because we didn’t directly ask for this baby. Yes, we’ve prayed for the Lord’s perfect timing with starting a family, but we weren’t trying to have this baby. But I can’t say how blessed I feel to have been able to look at a pregnancy test one night with a mixture of surprise and gratitude, laughing and crying with my husband because we were both so overwhelmed with the idea of it all, an idea that hadn’t been ours, making it wholly perfect.
For all of these reasons, I cycle between excitement and nerves, at the core of both being that I want the best for this baby and the simple truth that although I haven’t held it in my arms or kissed it goodnight or watched it sleep, I already love this baby. I whisper those words to myself when the nausea rolls through or when I wake up sweating and can’t fall back asleep, remembering that this is just the beginning of more loving sacrifice than I have ever, ever known.
I already love this baby.
I already love this baby so, so much.
And I can’t wait to tell it that in person.