3.20.2013

Another Heartbeat {The Post I’ve Been Wanting to Write}

This is the post I have been wanting to write for seven weeks now.

It’s the one in which I tell you that there is another heartbeat inside of me, and I get to meet the owner of that heartbeat in October.

DSC_1513My version of Pregnancy, 10 Weeks already includes a poochy tummy. So long, pencil skirts.

People—women—have all kinds of tips and advice when you’re pregnant. Eat crackers before you move in the morning. Don’t change the litter. Expect your boobs to feel like they are going to detach and plunge into the earth.What nobody mentions is how to handle the fact that while it took a couple of weeks—both of which, for me, were marked by a fair amount of disbelief—I am now in full-on mommy mode, or as least as much as one can be when your baby is the size of a kumquat. I pray for my baby’s safety and health every day, and to be completely vulnerable, my biggest fear has nothing to do with the pain of childbirth or raising a child. My biggest fear, instead, is of losing this baby, of never knowing what color its eyes are or what its first word is or what it will look like sleeping.

My fear is somewhat unexpected to me, because we didn’t directly ask for this baby. Yes, we’ve prayed for the Lord’s perfect timing with starting a family, but we weren’t trying to have this baby. But I can’t say how blessed I feel to have been able to look at a pregnancy test one night with a mixture of surprise and gratitude, laughing and crying with my husband because we were both so overwhelmed with the idea of it all, an idea that hadn’t been ours, making it wholly perfect.

Announcement

For all of these reasons, I cycle between excitement and nerves, at the core of both being that I want the best for this baby and the simple truth that although I haven’t held it in my arms or kissed it goodnight or watched it sleep, I already love this baby. I whisper those words to myself when the nausea rolls through or when I wake up sweating and can’t fall back asleep, remembering that this is just the beginning of more loving sacrifice than I have ever, ever known.

I already love this baby.

I already love this baby so, so much.

And I can’t wait to tell it that in person.

48 comments :

  1. HOOOOOOOORAY! This is so exciting! Congratulations both of you! (All three of you!)

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  2. Oh my gosh!!!! I'm so excited for you guys!!!!!! Congratulations!!!!!!!!

    I am up at 4:15 am feeding our little guy right now, and it seriously is so awesome. It's nuts how much you love them.

    I'll be praying for baby to grow strong and healthy and for you to not worry too much, even though it is so nerve wracking not knowing what's going on in there. God's got this! Love you and enjoy this time!

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  3. Congratulations! I am 22 weeks along with our first, and can relate so very much to the words you wrote. I hope you have a very happy, healthy, wonderful pregnancy :)

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  4. Awesome news! Congrats! So excited for you as you start this adventure of raising a child!

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  5. oh i am excited for you!!!!! what a lucky baby already!

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  6. Congratulations!!
    I know exactly how you feel, already loving your baby before you have even met him/her. I have nine weeks left and I just can't wait!!!

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  7. Ahhh, that explains sooooooooooo much. ERIN I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (yes I need that many exclamation marks to convey my excitement on a blog comment). Beautiful post, Erin. Praying!

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  8. Yay!!! Congratulations! That is so exciting! I will be praying for you and baby! :)


    PS - You're not alone in your fear. Ever since I was in high school I've always had that fear, it keeps me up at night sometimes. I can't imagine the pain and heartache. That being said when I need to pray for my spirit to be calm, I'll throw one in for you too! <3

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  9. I lurk, I read, I lol. Today I cried in joy and such beautifully written words. Congrats!

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  10. I lurk, I read, I lol. Today I cried in joy and such beautifully written words. Congrats!

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  11. Oh I'm so happy for you! I used to comment on your blog all the time from my other blog (A Little Paint) but then abandoned it and started a new one. I've been following you the whole time though. Motherhood is so amazing, I have a seven month old boy and the love you experience is just uncomparable. You love them immensely when they are just a thought, before they are even conceived or planned. You are forever bonded the second they become a part of you which only grows until you "meet them" for the first time. The older they get, the more vulnerable your heart becomes. I wish you the best of luck and an easy pregnancy!

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  12. Ahhhhhhhhhhh, congratulations!!! I'm so happy for you and your hubby! And I can't imagine the nerves that come along with such a blessed gift! I pray for a healthy and happy pregnancy and baby! :)

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  13. Anonymous3/20/2013

    My babies are 17 and 13 and my biggest fear is still losing one of them! That never goes way, but you will learn to keep it at bay so you can do things like let them walk, go to school, spend the night out with friends and drive - ACK! Congratulations!

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  14. Oh Erin, I am SO happy for you!!!!! I'll be keeping you and the baby in my thoughts. You are going to be such an amazing mother!

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  15. Erin, congratulations! You will make a wonderful mother.

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  16. BEAUTIFUL post. so excited for you.

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  17. congratulations to you both erin, how exciting! you will be in my prayers as this new chapter unfolds :) i hope you are feeling well and your nerves ease up. take care and congrats again!!!!

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  18. Yay!! I am so excited for you and your hubby! I wish for you an easy pregnancy and a break in your worrying. I can imagine all the nervous excitement you are experiencing as we've been talking about the family thing and it's a huge change. I wish you and baby all the best!

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  19. Aw, YAY!!! So happy and excited for you both! God Bless!!

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  20. Congratulations! So very exciting! I wish you all the best for an easy pregnancy!

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  21. Congratulations!! That's such exciting news! :)

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  22. WOW! Congratulations! So awesome :)

    I hope everything goes well for you!

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  23. Congratulations! Beautiful post on your thoughts.

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  24. Congratulations! What a wonderful blessing.

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  25. :) :) :) This post makes me very happy!!! Congrats! Your little baby belly is adorable.

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  26. Congratulations Erin!!! That's so exciting!

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  27. Congratulations!!! Will be praying for you and your baby.

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  28. so... where are the nursery plans? :D

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  29. Congratulations!!! What a lucky child to have you for it's mother. Enjoy this time, Erin.

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  30. I'm so incredibly happy for you and your husband, Erin! My first baby was also born in October - right on the day she was due! My MIL used to say, "If you give the mother-to-be anything she wants, the pregnancy will go just fine." That always sounded like good advice to me!
    Now both of my babies are ages 33 and 31 and, like another poster said, you never stop worrying about them. But that's because you DO love them from the time you find out they're inside of you just like you have. You will also remember every detail of what you're going through right now. I remember each pregnancy as if they just happened even though they were both so long ago.
    This is the best time of your life - savor every moment!

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  31. Sincere, sincere congratulations! I loved being pregnant - and every moment since. And I know you will too. I am so excited for you! :) And for your sweet baby, who is already so loved..

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  32. OMG congratulations Erin!!! I am SOO happy for you!!! What an unexpected and amazing surprise! You are too cute with your little bump!

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  33. Yay!!! I am so excited for you. I know exactly how you are feeling. Congratulations on your little miracle!

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  34. Gitchy and Grandpup approve of this message.

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  35. You just made me tear up! Just you wait, lady, just you wait.

    Count yourself blessed, too, because lots of mamas don't get that falling-in-love feeling until they get to lay eyes on that little tiny one.

    I mean, this might sound crazy, but I love your baby already too. Can't wait to see him or her! I'm beyond excited for you both!!

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  36. Yay! This is so awesome and I'm so happy. What a beautiful post. Congrats!

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  37. Oh my goodness you've got to be on cloud 9!!! I'm so thrilled for you!! You're going to be such a great mom! :)

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  38. This is SO SO So exciting!!! I'm so excited and happy for you! Praying for you and your baby and all that is to come. BLESSINGS!

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  39. So excited for you! Congratulations!!!

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  40. Thank you, everyone! We are so excited! :)

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  41. This is such a beautiful post. And congrats to you. I am sure the little one can't wait to meet Mom either. Such exciting news!

    :)
    mikky
    www.todaloos.com

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  42. Congratulations! May you have a perfect pregnancy and delivery :) Enjoy this magical time!!

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  43. came here from a recipe someone pinned. how exciting! I am due with my third sept 9th :) can I ask you a question? how do you get giveaways on your blog? I would love to do that too!

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  44. oh my email is iloveluci(at)gmail(dot com)

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  45. error- iloveluci09(@)gmail(dot com) not awake enough here yet!

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  46. WOW how amazing for you!!! I remember that feeling the very first time the moment of realization you are responsible for a brand new life. You will worry for the rest of your life about things you can and can't control. Just breathe and trust that God has this covered. Do what you can eat healthy and continue to exercise, take those gaggy prenatal vitamins. Enjoy every moment wait for the first flutter of life. As a Mom of 7 grown children and starting round two with our first adopted child I wish it got easier, but you learn to exhale and pray and push on..You will be just fine Congratulations to all three of you...

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  47. Erin, you and Rick are going to be wonderful parents. Congratulations! Can't wait to hear more! <3

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  48. Beautifully written, Erin. Your feelings closely describe me when I was having my babies. Nothing can prepare you for how you feel and how incredible it's going to be. Praying for you and little bambino/a. :)

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